


whenever you're ready, can't we surrender?

by schmetterlinq



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-14
Updated: 2020-06-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:40:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24716200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/schmetterlinq/pseuds/schmetterlinq
Summary: Changkyun should know by now that Jooheon doesn't feel the same way.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Lee Jooheon
Comments: 16
Kudos: 174





	whenever you're ready, can't we surrender?

**Author's Note:**

> disclaimer: none of this ever happened, it’s all fictional, I own nobody.
> 
> warnings: non-explicit descriptions of sex, language, stupidly fluffy ending
> 
> author's notes:  
> the scene where they talk about writing together was inspired by a [real interview](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHsLPKgA1I8), relevant section starts at 3:00  
> there's one scene where they talk about lyrics. the lyrics aren't real, i just made them up.  
> title is from [Surrender by Natalie Taylor](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lo_WJgaTzwY) (yes the tiktok song)  
> also Hoseok is in this because f u starship
> 
> For the LOML Alicia!!! Happy birthday and thank you for being my partner~

Changkyun’s thighs are burning, blood rushing so loudly in his ears it’s almost deafening. His skin is scorching, whole body aching, but he can’t stop, he can’t possibly stop.

Jooheon is underneath him, fingers gripping his hips hard enough to leave bruises. His bangs are clinging to his face, his eyelashes dark against his cheeks. He looks devastating.

Changkyun is so close he’s trembling. He keeps moving, wanting, needing.

“Fuck,” Jooheon gasps, “Fuck – Changkyun –” and at the sound of Jooheon saying his name, Changkyun breaks and falls apart.

He clings round Jooheon’s neck as Jooheon’s hands slide under his thighs, lifting him up. A few seconds later Jooheon curses, shakes, goes still.

Changkyun lets himself stay with his face hidden against Jooheon’s shoulder. He lets himself drink it in for as long as he dares.

It only lasts a minute. Jooheon pats him on the back, signalling that he’s uncomfortable and wants Changkyun to roll off. They’re both cold and sticky, but Changkyun still has to make himself pull away.

“You want to shower first?” Jooheon asks.

Changkyun goes. He turns the water as cold as he can stand, trying to shock himself out of the daze he’s always in after these nights they have together. It doesn’t really help.

Jooheon goes to shower after him, and Changkyun gets into one of the two queen beds and stares at the unfamiliar hotel ceiling. He listens to the water running in the next room. His muscles are still sore.

When Jooheon comes back, he gets into bed with Changkyun. This is normal and doesn’t mean anything. Sleepy, Jooheon mumbles goodnight and rolls onto his side, facing away from Changkyun, a familiar signal that he wants to be spooned. Jooheon loves being held.

Changkyun doesn’t try to resist, rolling over and wrapping his arm around Jooheon’s waist. Jooheon hums contentedly. Changkyun presses his lips to Jooheon’s shoulder, a dry kiss. _I love you_ , he thinks and doesn’t say.

Jooheon doesn’t react to the kiss, just breathes evenly. Stupidly, it still hurts a bit, even though Changkyun should know by now that Jooheon doesn’t feel the same way.

It’s been six months since they started sleeping together.

The first time was in their shared hotel room after a show in Japan. Changkyun hadn’t even reacted at first when Jooheon kissed him, just lay there on the bed uselessly, like a dead fish. _This has to be a dream_ , he thought. It certainly wouldn’t be the first time he’d dreamed of something like this. But then Jooheon kissed him again and it was so feverishly hot that Changkyun realised this was actually happening.

He should have stopped it. He should have at least asked Jooheon why.

Changkyun has never been very smart when it comes to Jooheon.

Jooheon had mouthed down Changkyun’s chest, pressed him into the hard hotel mattress, touched him until he couldn’t think.

After that it kept happening. They’ve never talked about it.

Jooheon fucks the same way he makes music – passionately.

Sometimes he’s passionate in the intense, ferocious way he is on stage, staring Changkyun down, gripping the nape of his neck and backing him against the wall. The first time he’d done this, Changkyun’s knees had almost given way, but these days, he’s learned how to react to this Jooheon. He leans into his body, presses their foreheads together, challenges. It makes Jooheon even fiercer, even wilder.

Other times, rarer times, Jooheon is passionate in the quiet, focused way he is when he’s composing. He’s much slower, much more careful. He looks at Changkyun like Changkyun is the most important composition of his life and he needs to get every detail perfect.

Even after six months, Changkyun still doesn’t really know how to respond to this Jooheon, how to do anything other than fall apart under his hands.

Not that Changkyun just passively waits for Jooheon, waits to see what mood he’s in. He initiates just as much, if not more. He’s overwhelmed sometimes by the vastness of his desire – to touch Jooheon’s thigh in the van on the way to a schedule, to slip into the bathroom at the dorm to join him in the shower, to crawl into his bed on the nights they share hotel rooms – as though this really is only about lust, only about sex. He wishes it was. Hates that it’s more for him. Hates himself for being so stupid – stupid, stupid Changkyun who fell in love with the first guy who was kind to him.

Changkyun was scared of Jooheon when they first met. He was scared of everybody – he kept having flashbacks to all the times he’d been the new kid at school whenever his family moved, only this was so much worse. But Jooheon in particular intimidated him. Everyone said Jooheon was one of the top trainees at the company, that he was almost definitely going to debut. He was a rapper too, and when Changkyun had walked into the dorm that first night, Jooheon had looked at him like Changkyun was dirt on the bottom of his shoe.

When Changkyun found out he was going to have to work with Jooheon on one of their tasks for the show he was slightly terrified. Then to his amazement, Jooheon had… talked to him. Told him he wanted them to work together. Changkyun had felt pathetically relieved, like a puppy realising it wasn’t going to get smacked. He certainly didn’t expect them to ever be anything approaching friends, but this was already more than he’d hoped for and he was grateful.

After that conversation, Jooheon was much less frightening. Without a glare on his face he was actually good looking, and he had an infectious smile with deep dimples. Jooheon had worked with him to prepare for the show as though Changkyun was any other trainee. Jooheon had cheered for him when he got on the stage in front of the judges. Jooheon let Changkyun borrow his headphones when Changkyun’s broke. Jooheon shared his cotton candy with Changkyun when all the trainees went to a theme park for the day. Jooheon let Changkyun cry on his shoulder. Jooheon laughed at his jokes and made Changkyun feel like he was the only person in the world.

By this point Changkyun was getting close to the others as well, of course. They were all a lot nicer than they’d seemed at first. Jooheon had always felt different, but Jooheon was his first friend. They had similar tastes in music, similar senses of humour, and there was no-one Changkyun loved performing with more than Jooheon. They had an intense, almost unstable chemistry on stage that had left Changkyun a bit shell-shocked the first few times – but he’d known Jooheon had felt it too because Jooheon had always been looking at him with wide, dark dark eyes. Changkyun had thought of a museum he’d gone to once as a child, when his family still lived in Boston. There was an exhibit that demonstrated how lightning was made, white hot electricity jumping between two points in the air. That was how it felt when he was on stage with Jooheon.

Then one night, a few months after the group had officially debuted, Changkyun was listening to one of Jooheon’s demos. He’d glanced over at Jooheon and Jooheon had smiled at him, really smiled, as though there was nowhere else he’d rather be and nobody else he’d rather be with. Something had kicked Changkyun painfully in the ribs, and his stomach had sunk.

Changkyun hates the ‘what’s your ideal type?’ question. It’s standard and expected, but it’s always so awkward to answer, particularly when you have to make sure you don’t hint that you’re anything other than straight.

“What’s your ideal type?” asks the woman interviewing them.

Kihyun says he likes women with long hair. Last time they were asked this question, which was roughly two days ago, Kihyun said he liked women with short hair.

The host turns to Changkyun. “I.M.-ssi, what’s your ideal type?”

“I don’t really care about looks,” Changkyun says. This is his standard answer; he gives some version of it every time he gets asked this. It doesn’t really reveal anything, which makes it safe. “I just look at someone’s personality.”

The host nods, satisfied. “Joohoney?”

“Someone who loves music,” Jooheon says.

The host moves on to Minhyuk. Minhyuk says his ideal type is Kihyun. Kihyun smacks him and everyone laughs.

Minhyuk was the only one Changkyun had told about him and Jooheon. He had to – Minhyuk is his roommate and he’d definitely noticed that something was going on. He’d kept looking at Changkyun strangely when Changkyun came slinking back from the bathroom, claiming he’d just felt like a really long shower.

Changkyun wasn’t sure that Jooheon wanted anyone to know, but somehow it felt better to tell Minhyuk than for Minhyuk to ask.

Minhyuk had clapped his hands together, looking delighted. “I’m so happy for you two!” he exclaimed.

“We’re not – we’re not _together_.” Changkyun was mortified. “We’re –” He didn’t even know himself. “Friends with benefits,” he finished, lamely.

“Friends with benefits,” Minhyuk repeated, sounding very dubious.

“Well, we don’t really have time to meet other people,” Changkyun tried to bullshit desperately. He could actually hear his voice starting to sound strangled.

Minhyuk had just looked at him. He looked very sad.

Jooheon is chatting away to Sojung, leaning against the door of one of the practise rooms and telling her all about the latest track he’s working on.

And – there’s no reason why Jooheon wouldn’t talk to Sojung. Changkyun has seen them talk loads of times before, of course he has. All the members of all the Starship groups talk all the time, they’re all friends.

And it’s not weird that Jooheon would talk to Sojung about the music he’s working on; they both compose, and she likes the same kinds of music he does.

But today, something about it is sticking in Changkyun’s throat.

“I’m really proud of the beat drop,” he can hear Jooheon saying. “I couldn’t get it right for ages but I changed a few things around last night and it sounds really dope now.”

Changkyun knows exactly what song Jooheon is talking about. Jooheon had played it to him just that weekend. They were at the studio, laying on the couch together. It was quiet and warm, and Changkyun had been focused half on the music and half on Jooheon’s hand on his hip, Jooheon’s shoulder against his cheek.

Jooheon had mentioned at the time that he wasn’t happy with the beat drop. He hadn’t told Changkyun that he’d figured it out since then.

“It sucks when a track sounds wrong and you can’t figure out what’s not working,” Sojung says. “I have a song I’m working on now and the part after the chorus just sounds empty, but I can’t work out what’s missing.”

“I can give it a listen if you want to send it to me,” Jooheon says. “And maybe you can give me your thoughts on mine as well.”

Changkyun feels like the floor is falling away underneath him. He doesn’t know if this is something Jooheon and Sojung have done before but it’s definitely the first he’s heard of it. Jooheon is so protective of his music. There’s a short, exclusive list of people he lets hear his songs before they’re finished. Changkyun still remembers the first time Jooheon had let him hear an unfinished track and asked for his feedback on it, how much it had meant to him.

“That would be great,” Sojung says. Changkyun can’t see her but he can hear the smile in her voice. “Thanks, oppa.”

Changkyun feels sick. Sojung is funny and smart and doesn’t take shit from anybody, she writes music, and she’s beautiful. She’d be perfect for Jooheon.

“Are you all right?” Hyungwon’s voice startles him, and he looks up to see his band mate looking at him strangely. “Your face is like... grey.”

“Not – not feeling well,” Changkyun rasps. It isn’t a lie. He barely makes it through the rest of their dance practise.

Changkyun tries to avoid Jooheon for the next few days.

He doesn’t see any signs of Jooheon meeting up with Sojung (something which makes him feel bitterly, and stupidly, relieved) but the incident during practise has made him think again that this has all gone much too far. Jooheon is just lonely, or horny, or bored, and probably sooner rather than later, he’ll meet someone he actually wants to date rather than just fuck, and this will all stop and then Changkyun will…

Changkyun decides he has to try to stop it now, so it won’t hurt so much.

That evening, Jooheon catches Changkyun’s eye and gives him a meaningful look, hinting he wants Changkyun to slip off to the shower. Changkyun deliberately ignores him and goes to help Kihyun cook dinner in the kitchen. He doesn’t know how Jooheon reacts to this, because Jooheon goes to the studio shortly after and stays there for the rest of the evening.

Changkyun keeps his distance for the next few days. Jooheon has definitely noticed by now that Changkyun is ignoring him. Normally even if they’re physically apart, they can’t go more than an hour or two without messaging, without one of them calling or texting the other ‘I miss you!’ Now Changkyun isn’t sitting next to Jooheon in the van or talking to him much even during schedules, hoping it will be easier if he makes as much of a clean break as possible. Jooheon seems a bit bewildered, which makes Changkyun feel guilty.

It doesn’t stop Jooheon from knocking on the bathroom door a few days later when Changkyun is in the shower.

Changkyun knows it can’t be any of the others trying to hurry him up, because they all had an argument on the way home about what order they were going to shower in, and Changkyun had drawn the short straw, as he often seems to these days, and had to shower last.

There’s another knock. Changkyun thinks about pretending he hasn’t heard it, but Jooheon knocks a third time and Changkyun – can’t. He isn’t strong enough. Not when Jooheon is right outside, asking, inviting. He reaches over and slides the lock open.

Jooheon pushes into the bathroom. He’s wearing the clothes he wears to bed, sweatpants and a t-shirt, his glasses stuck at an angle like he fumbled to put them on in the dark. He looks younger than usual, softer. He looks like home.

Changkyun reaches out a hand to him.

Jooheon locks the door again, sheds his clothes, joins Changkyun under the water. His arms circle Changkyun’s waist perfectly. He’s so warm, and Changkyun leans back into him and closes his eyes. He chokes when he feels Jooheon’s hand reaching round to touch him.

It should be embarrassing, how quickly Changkyun finds himself panting, his hand slipping at the shower wall, but Jooheon is right there with him, breathing hard against Changkyun’s ear. Changkyun gets the brief, crazy thought that it’s been too, too long for both of them, even though it’s been less than a week.

Afterwards, Jooheon just stands and holds him. He presses his face against the back of Changkyun’s neck and is quiet for so long that Changkyun almost gets worried. He tries to turn in Jooheon’s arms, to see if Jooheon is okay, but Jooheon immediately feels him moving and pulls away.

They turn off the shower and dry off together. The bathroom is as hot as a sauna, droplets of water running down the mirror. They’re quiet, but it’s not an entirely uncomfortable silence. Jooheon goes to unlock the bathroom door. Then he stops, looks back at Changkyun for a moment like he’s going to say something. Then he sighs and instead pulls Changkyun in, kisses him on the mouth. Changkyun feels the last bits of resolve he had to stay away crumbling.

They stay huddled together against the door for a few moments. Then someone else bangs on the door outside, and they both jump, and have to rush out awkwardly past Hyungwon standing in the hallway. Changkyun prays that Hyungwon is still mostly asleep and isn’t taking in anything he sees, and certainly he doesn’t react at all, just disappears into the bathroom.

In the dark, Jooheon squeezes Changkyun’s hand before they go to their separate rooms. Minhyuk is already asleep. Changkyun gets into bed and huddles under his blankets, feeling extremely cold now he’s away from the warmth of the bathroom and Jooheon’s body. He doesn’t sleep for a long time.

The next day, Changkyun remembers Hyungwon outside the bathroom door and panics. He still doesn’t think Jooheon wants anyone to know about this, and truthfully Changkyun isn’t desperate for the others to find out either. Telling Minhyuk was one thing, but the thought of everyone knowing what an idiot Changkyun is makes his stomach churn.

He deliberately sits next to Hyungwon in the van that morning and tries to explain in a whisper that he and Jooheon were cleaning the bathroom; yes, he knows it was nearly two in the morning, but the bathroom was really dirty after everyone had showered and they didn’t want to leave it until the next day so –

Hyungwon just looks at him, says “You’re both idiots”, then leans against the van window and goes to sleep. Changkyun has no idea what to make of that.

Photoshoots are long and cold and honestly quite boring. There’s only so many times you can laugh at whoever is pouting for the camera before it stops being funny.

Changkyun is tired, running on three hours of sleep and two large iced coffees. He’s sure the make-up artist had to use more concealer than usual to cover the bags under his eyes. They’ve already done two interviews today, and after this they can go home, but it could be hours before all of them are done being photographed so it’s difficult to look forward to that. All they’ve eaten today is small pots of instant noodles, and Changkyun can’t even listen to music because Hyunwoo stepped on one of his air pods earlier.

Changkyun and Jooheon are photographed together. They’re often paired up for these sorts of things; they’re the two youngest members and the rappers so it makes sense. Changkyun used to enjoy it because it meant he got to spend extra time with Jooheon. Now, though, it almost feels too intense, like the wind blowing on sunburned skin.

Jooheon is wearing a black sleeveless shirt that reveals a lot. His hair is pushed back, but the hair stylist hasn’t used enough gel and his bangs keep falling in his face. Unthinkingly, Changkyun goes to help him fix it, then finds himself very aware of how low Jooheon’s shirt hangs on his chest and Jooheon’s eyes close to his, and darts away.

The rest of the photoshoot goes without a hitch. Afterwards they bundle up in coats and huddle on a sofa in the back of the studio. A staff member brings them an iPad with the behind the scenes footage on so they can look it over. Jooheon holds it out for Changkyun to watch it too, puts out an arm and gestures for Changkyun to move closer. This kind of skinship used to be normal for them, used to be something Changkyun enjoyed, but now part of him thinks it’s too much, he shouldn’t. Still, it’s too, too easy to sink into Jooheon’s side, to rest his head on Jooheon’s shoulder, to let Jooheon pull him in.

“What’s your ideal type?” asks the variety show host.

Minhyuk says he likes curvy women.

“I don’t care about looks, just personality,” Changkyun trots out, dutifully, because he can’t say _funny, silly, talented, kind, soft, warm, beautiful_.

The host turns to Jooheon. “Someone I can write music with,” Jooheon says. He sounds like he’s finished answering, and then he adds, almost as though he’s talking to himself, “Someone I can talk to. Someone I can be friends with.”

The host moves on to Hoseok. Hoseok says his ideal type is someone who makes good ramen. Minhyuk says that Hoseok’s ideal type must be Kihyun, because Kihyun makes good ramen. Kihyun hits him. Everyone laughs.

They’re in yet another interview. Changkyun isn’t even totally sure what network it’s for; they all blur together sometimes.

The MC is asking Jooheon about how he and Changkyun write together. “You’re known for your shared raps,” she says. “How do you compose those?”

“We brainstorm a lot and share a lot of ideas,” Jooheon says – a simple, interview-friendly answer that doesn’t really say anything at all. But then he goes on: “We always want to do things nobody else can do. Things that show we’re a duo.”

The MC ‘ohhh’s appreciatively, and Jooheon reaches over Hyunwoo, who is sitting between them, towards Changkyun. Changkyun thinks Jooheon wants to high-five him – but instead Jooheon tangles their fingers together and squeezes Changkyun’s hand.

“You really are partners!” says the MC.

Changkyun feels himself flushing. Jooheon is still holding his hand and it feels… perfect.

The MC moves on to asking Minhyuk about hosting Inkigayo and Jooheon lets go of Changkyun’s hand, and the rest of the interview continues as normal.

They perform together at a festival just outside of Seoul. It’s always even more intense when it’s just the two of them on stage. Changkyun feels the electricity with his whole body, feels it flooding out of him, and he knows Jooheon can feel it as well by the way he meets Changkyun’s eyes, by the way his hair is damp with sweat.

They’re both high on adrenaline and endorphins when they get off stage and can’t calm down. The air between them seems to crackle and they can’t stay away from each other. They lock the door of their tiny, cramped dressing room and fuck on the dirty floor, like animals. Changkyun has carpet burn on his knees and elbows for days.

The more months this goes on for, the more Changkyun is struggling to write.

He keeps having to make excuses to the company when they ask him for rap parts for new group songs, and he can tell they’re getting frustrated every time he tells them he still has writer’s block and can’t write anything.

It isn’t strictly true. He can write, just not about any subjects he’s supposed to be writing about. Not anything that could be used on one of their albums. Certainly not anything he could ever show to Jooheon.

It’s Saturday night and they’re at Jooheon’s studio. They’ve always spent a lot of time there. Changkyun has his own, but he often works best with Jooheon next to him. They bounce ideas backwards and forwards off each other. They talk, listen to music. They laugh a lot. Changkyun loves how Jooheon laughs with his whole body. He loves making Jooheon laugh.

These days, they also fuck a lot in the studio as well. Changkyun is never going to be able to look at the couch normally again. Or at Jooheon’s desk. Or at the wall by the studio door.

Jooheon is working on his computer, his large headphones over his ears. Changkyun is supposed to be writing his verse for a new group song. The working title is ‘Party Time’ and so far, all Changkyun has managed to write is, “Yeah!” and then a few lines about unrequited love which can absolutely never see the light of day.

Giving up, he takes to watching Jooheon. Watching the way he closes his eyes as he listens to the music intently, the way he taps his foot to the rhythm under the desk. It’s been over a week since they’ve had time to sneak off together, and even now they’re alone, Jooheon seems like he really does want to do what the others all think they’re doing and work. Changkyun feels it like an itch under his skin that can’t be scratched.

He glances down at his notebook again and winces a bit at the lyrics there. _Stupid, stupid Changkyun_. Sighing, he scratches out everything he’s written, rips the page out of his notebook, screws it up in a ball and tosses it onto the floor. Jooheon looks up in surprise.

“I need to stretch my legs,” Changkyun says, standing. What he really needs is to get away from Jooheon for a couple of minutes and try to think about something else, but of course he can’t tell Jooheon that.

“Can’t write?” Jooheon asks.

Changkyun shakes his head. “I can’t write anything these days.”

Jooheon frowns. “That’s not true. You’re always writing in your notebook. I see you.”

Suddenly, before Changkyun realises what he’s going to do, Jooheon grabs the notebook off the desk.

“Wait –!” Changkyun starts, but Jooheon is already opening it and rifling through.

Jooheon doesn’t mean anything by it. Jooheon’s probably read some of the lyrics in that book more times than Changkyun himself has. But –

“See!” Jooheon shakes the book at him. “There’s tons of new stuff in here since you last showed me. This can’t all be bad?”

“No, it’s all rubbish, seriously,” Changkyun says, trying to make a grab for the book without looking too desperate, but Jooheon is holding it out of his reach. He flips over a page. Changkyun can’t see what’s written there and prays it’s just notes for a group song or something, but…

“ _Every time I’m without you I go crazy_ ,” Jooheon reads aloud. “ _All I have is the music we make together_. Changkyun, this isn’t bad. _The only time I feel real is when you touch me. The only time I’m complete is when you’re inside m—_ ”

Beyond mortified, Changkyun dives across the studio and snatches the notebook.

Jooheon looks startled. “Whoa, okay, sorry.”

Changkyun is sure his face is purple with embarrassment. “I need – some water,” he manages, and turns to run, but Jooheon comes after him and catches him at the door.

“Changkyun, hey, come on. I’m really sorry.” He genuinely sounds sorry as well and Changkyun feels terrible. He still can’t bring himself to turn around. He never, ever intended for anyone to see any of those lyrics, least of all Jooheon, and even though (thank God) Jooheon doesn’t seem to have any idea that all those lines were about him, Jooheon reading those deeply intimate thoughts makes Changkyun feel like he’s been stripped naked in public and all his flaws are being pointed out to a crowd of people. He almost feels like crying.

“I’m sorry,” Jooheon says again, and Changkyun mumbles, “It’s okay” to the floor.

“Sit,” Jooheon says, pushing him towards the couch. “I’ll get you a drink.” He leaves the studio.

For a crazy second, Changkyun wonders if he can escape out the window. How hard would it be to scale down seven floors? Is there likely to be anyone outside at this time of night who might see a man in a black hoodie scrambling through the window and call the cops? Would getting arrested for robbing his own company’s building really be that much worse than facing Jooheon when he gets back? Because right now it actually sounds more appealing…

Jooheon returns with a bottle of water and Changkyun sits on the couch resignedly.

Jooheon joins him, passes him the bottle. Changkyun drinks from it because he doesn’t know what else to do.

“I didn’t know you were feeling like this,” Jooheon starts.

Changkyun shrugs.

“I know… sometimes you just feel like everything you write sucks. I get that, and I get that you don’t want anyone to see anything you’ve done cos you hate it so much. I do it too. You remember last year; I couldn’t write anything for nearly three months.”

Changkyun remembers. He remembers how much Jooheon beat himself up for it. He remembers rubbing Jooheon’s shoulders when they were sore from bending over his computer all day, trying to reassure him that it would pass soon. That was before that first night in the hotel room in Japan.

“I know it’s the worst,” Jooheon says. “It makes you feel like you’re a fraud, like everything you wrote before was just a fluke. But it’s not.” Jooheon pats his shoulder, and Changkyun prays he’s finished so that he can make an excuse about being tired and escape back to the dorms, but Jooheon carries on: “Don’t let it get to you. You’re really talented, Changkyun. Not just your lyrics. The way you perform, everything.”

Changkyun stares at him, taken aback. He wasn’t expecting that at all.

“Sometimes,” Jooheon says, “I feel like this is as good as I’m gonna get, you know? But you just keep getting better.”

“Hyung,” Changkyun protests, shocked. Jooheon is still the person he aspires to be like when he performs. “Hyung, no –”

“I mean it,” Jooheon says. He doesn’t look angry or jealous. He looks sincere and – proud. Proud of Changkyun, the guy who wasn’t even supposed to be here.

Changkyun opens his mouth and then closes it again. He has no idea what to say.

Jooheon puts his hand on Changkyun’s leg. His eyes are soft. “I’m glad we get to do this together,” he says. “I’m glad we get to be partners. And I – I hope we are for a long time.”

Overwhelmed, Changkyun covers Jooheon’s hand with his own. “Hyung,” he starts, and has to stop and swallow. “Hyung, I –”

Jooheon squeezes his leg.

“I couldn’t do this without you,” Changkyun says. “I couldn’t have done any of it without you. You’re the best musician – the best person I know. You make me want to be better every day, and I – I’m so lucky to know you, hyung.”

There’s silence for a few seconds. Then Jooheon says, “Changkyun –” and kisses him, and the rest of the world falls away.

Jooheon keeps on and on kissing him, until Changkyun isn’t sure where he ends and Jooheon begins. He doesn’t care, he just wants to fall into Jooheon’s arms, forget everything.

They’ve fucked on the couch in the studio tons of times, but it’s never been like this before. Never been this tender, this intimate. Jooheon presses their foreheads together and says, “Changkyun” so softly, so gently, and Changkyun thinks, _I love you, I love you, I love you_.

Jooheon clasps their hands together above Changkyun’s head as he starts to move. Changkyun feels like he’s drowning, like they’re both drowning together and the only oxygen they have is each other’s eyes, each other’s mouths.

Their fingers are still tangled together as they come down, Jooheon’s hand squeezing his.

For a few minutes neither of them can do more than breathe in time with each other. “Changkyun,” Jooheon breathes finally, and Changkyun never wants Jooheon to stop saying his name like that, like a promise.

He frames Jooheon’s face with his hands. “Hyung.”

Jooheon’s mouth brushes against Changkyun’s, more of a breath than a kiss. “Changkyun,” he says again. “Changkyun, I –” but then he breaks off, breathes out, closes his eyes.

Jooheon’s face is so close that if he wanted too, Changkyun could count each one of Jooheon’s eyelashes. He pulls Jooheon down, presses their mouths together. He doesn’t want Jooheon to say anything anyway. He doesn’t want to break this spell.

They lay together on the couch for a long time, kissing, touching each other with slow, sure hands. Jooheon traces the outline of each letter, each flower petal tattooed on Changkyun’s back. He looks at Changkyun like they’re the last two people on earth, and Changkyun’s heart crumples with love. For the first time he thinks, maybe, maybe Jooheon feels this too.

It’s a very different story the next morning.

They wake up very early, the cold grey daylight streaming through the big studio windows.

They’re tangled up awkwardly on the couch, stiff and sore. Changkyun’s head aches and he feels grimy and sticky in several embarrassing places. Jooheon looks miserable too, and barely awake, with dark circles under his eyes.

They put yesterday’s clothes on their cold, numb bodies and take the subway back to the dorm. It’s not something they’d normally do, but they can’t exactly call a manager to pick them up. Fortunately it’s not even 6am on a Sunday, and none of the few other passengers even glance at them, all of them still half asleep too.

Jooheon doesn’t say anything the entire journey. Changkyun almost resents him for leaving him alone in his own head, which keeps replaying last night over and over.

They make it back to their building just before 7, letting themselves silently into the dorm and slipping off their shoes. Changkyun wonders if the others noticed they didn’t come home last night.

Jooheon heads towards the bathroom without a word. Then he stops, seems to think for a second, and turns back.

“I don’t think we should do this anymore,” he says.

For a weird sleep-deprived moment, Changkyun thinks Jooheon means they shouldn’t go to the studio anymore. He actually opens his mouth to ask how they’re going to write songs if they don’t go to the studio – but then a horrible, cold wave of understanding washes over him as he realises what Jooheon actually means and his heart plummets.

Jooheon is looking at the floor. Changkyun wants to say no. He wants to ask why, why stop, why now, why after last night, after the way Jooheon had looked at him.

“Okay,” he says, because of course he can’t actually say any of that. “Okay.”

Jooheon nods, and then smiles. It’s an awful smile, nothing like Jooheon’s real one. “No hard feelings,” he says. “But… yeah.” He nods again. “I have to take a shower before I go to church.”

He disappears into the bathroom without looking back, leaving Changkyun in the hallway.

Changkyun makes a slow, bewildered path to his bedroom door, not even really sure why he’s going there, just not wanting to still be standing there in the hall when Jooheon comes back out of the bathroom.

Although it’s early, Minhyuk is awake, lying in bed playing Animal Crossing. He waves at Changkyun with the console. “Hey, Changkyunnie. Come look at this squirrel that just moved to my island. It looks just like Kihyun.” Minhyuk laughs, then sees Changkyun’s face and his own face falls. “What?”

Changkyun doesn’t realise how close he is to tears until he tries to answer and feels his throat constrict painfully.

“Kkukkung? What is it?” Minhyuk looks really worried.

“Jooheon said – he said he doesn’t –” Changkyun’s voice cracks. Minhyuk looks confused for a moment, and then understanding dawns on his face. He gets up off the bed and comes to Changkyun, puts his arms around him, and Changkyun breaks.

Minhyuk hugs him and pets his hair while he cries, murmuring, “It’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay…” It doesn’t help.

Changkyun doesn’t see Jooheon again for the rest of the day.

Minhyuk makes him take a shower. He’s still sticky and sweaty from the previous night, but washing doesn’t feel any better; if anything, he feels worse.

He refuses to let Minhyuk convince him to eat something and instead slinks back to bed, hides under the covers and stays there all day. He feels as though Jooheon has torn a hole right through his chest and even breathing hurts. He keeps thinking about the night before – the way Jooheon had looked at him, the expression on his face when he’d said he wanted them to always be partners. The way Jooheon had kissed him, the way he’d touched Changkyun on the couch. The look on Jooheon’s face afterwards that had made Changkyun wonder if Jooheon felt the same way he did. It almost feels like a dream now.

Changkyun spends the next few days trying to avoid Jooheon. It’s surprisingly difficult to do. He’s never thought their dorm was that small but every room he goes into, Jooheon either seems to be already in it or to walk through the door right after he does.

Jooheon doesn’t seem to be remotely troubled by the last few days. He mostly seems to be in his own world.

Meanwhile, Changkyun is in agony.

Minhyuk keeps encouraging Changkyun to try talking to Jooheon. When that doesn’t work, he offers to talk to Jooheon himself, an idea Changkyun finds horrifying and shuts down hastily. After this Minhyuk takes to throwing reproachful glances at Jooheon across the dorms. Jooheon doesn’t seem to notice any of this either.

Changkyun still isn’t eating. Every night he finds himself dreaming about Jooheon, waking up in a cold sweat.

Desperate to get away, he volunteers to go to the gym with Hoseok, something he normally hates doing because Hoseok is just so depressingly good at everything. Today though, watching Hoseok run rings around him on the weight machines seems preferable to dodging Jooheon in the dorms.

Hoseok seems delighted that someone other than Hyunwoo wants to work out with him, and chatters away happily, oblivious to Changkyun’s mood.

The gym is fairly busy, as it often is in the evenings. One of the other guys on the weight machines keeps catching Changkyun’s eye and smiling at him. Changkyun doesn’t remember his name but they’ve seen each other around before. The guy is a dancer and he’s always looked at Changkyun like this, appreciatively, meaningfully. He’s good looking, probably a year or two older than Changkyun himself, lean muscle and a strong jawline and tattoos visible on his arms, and in any other circumstances Changkyun might already have pursued this further. He never did, for obvious reasons, but now part of him wonders if he should. So, when the dancer smiles at him again, he smiles back.

It feels weird.

He thinks Hoseok is preoccupied with his own work-out, but as they’re heading back to the dorm, he grins at Changkyun, his eyes twinkling. “So,” he says. “What’s going on with you and that dancer?”

“Nothing,” Changkyun says.

Hoseok laughs. “I’ve flirted with enough guys in gyms to know that wasn’t nothing, Changkyun.”

Changkyun feels his ears go red. “Well, so what?” he mutters.

They’re back in their building now, stepping out of the elevator. Hoseok fishes in his pocket for his keys. “So what nothing!” he says, letting them into the apartment. Someone is cooking and the air is filled with the scent of garlic and herbs. Hyungwon is lying on the couch watching television and flaps a hand in greeting.

“I think you should go for it,” Hoseok says. “Now, is there food?”

“Kihyun’s making dinner,” Hyungwon says, without looking up from the television. “He said ready in fifteen minutes. What should Changkyun go for?”

“Changkyun was hitting on a guy at the gym,” Hoseok says delightedly, joining Hyungwon on the couch.

Changkyun tries to protest, but Hoseok just talks over him: “And I was saying he should go for it! Those guys are always at the gym when I am, Changkyunnie. I can get you his number if you like.”

Changkyun is regretting this entire thing more and more every second, but Hyungwon is looking at him strangely and he really just wants Hoseok to drop it, so he says, “Sure, yeah.”

“Perfect!” Hoseok says happily. “Then you guys can text. It would be good for you to date for once, Kkukkung.”

The door of the kitchen suddenly swings open and Jooheon comes out. Changkyun immediately shrinks down in his armchair but Jooheon doesn’t even look at him. He strides across the living room and slams out of the front door, letting the door bang behind him.

“What’s wrong with him?” Hoseok asks, sounding confused.

Changkyun’s head is starting to throb. He feels guilty for being relieved when Jooheon doesn’t re-appear all evening.

The next day during a radio interview, the host asks them all their ideal type.

Changkyun gives his usual, meaningless answer.

Jooheon is sitting as far away from Changkyun as he possibly can. He says he doesn’t have one.

They have practise at the company building later that day.

During a break, Changkyun goes to get water and finds Jooheon talking to Sojung again.

As Sojung leaves, Jooheon looks up at him and says, “What?”

“Nothing,” Changkyun lies, pretending to look at his phone.

“Texting your dancer?” Jooheon asks.

“What do you care?”

Jooheon just rolls his eyes and disappears in the men’s bathroom.

That evening, Jooheon holes up in his room.

Changkyun, at Minhyuk’s urging, manages to sit on the couch with the others and pretend to watch TV. He makes it about an hour, although he has no idea what’s happening in the drama they’re watching.

When the episode ends, he hopes he can escape without anyone really noticing. But when he tries to stand up, the whole room suddenly spins.

Hyunwoo, who Changkyun had thought was asleep, leaps up instantly, catches hold of him and sits him gently back onto the couch. The others crowd round anxiously: “Changkyun!” “He’s fainting!” “What do we do?”

“I’m – I’m fine,” Changkyun says, dazed, even though he’s not sure he is.

Kihyun pushes between the others and crouches down next to the couch. “Put your head between your knees,” he orders. Changkyun does it obediently. Looking at the gap between the couch and the floor is easier than meeting the worried eyes of his friends, anyway.

After about ten minutes Changkyun feels better. Minhyuk brings him some water and he drinks it cautiously. He feels sweaty and shaky.

Kihyun suggests he go to the kitchen and put cold water on his face. Changkyun stands up slowly, testing whether his legs can hold him. He makes it to the kitchen and bends over the sink, runs the cold tap and slaps the water onto his face with his cupped hands.

Then the kitchen door behind him slams, and Changkyun has just a moment to think “oh fuck” before Kihyun is grabbing him and spinning him round, cornering him against the kitchen counter.

“You want to tell me what that was about just now?”

“You did this on purpose!” Changkyun accuses. “You made me come in here so you could trap me and talk to me!”

“Shut up! Don’t try to get out of talking about this,” Kihyun says. He’s slightly terrifying when he wants to be, and Changkyun shuts up.

“What was that in the living room?” Kihyun asks again.

Changkyun doesn’t know what to say so he doesn’t say anything.

“If this is about Jooheon,” Kihyun says, “Then it needs to stop right now.”

“I – what?”

“Oh, come on, Changkyun, I’m not an idiot. You two won’t go near each other, you’re both walking around looking like someone’s died, I haven’t seen you eat in days and now you nearly pass out in living room. You’re both making yourselves sick. Hyunwoo told me Jooheon threw up after dance practise today.”

Changkyun’s heart clenches at that. “He – what?”

Kihyun nods. Then he says, more kindly, “Changkyun, you know, if there’s anything – you can talk to me, right? Or to Hyunwoo. Or to any of us. You know we’re all here for you, right?”

Changkyun feels a lump in his throat. “I know,” he says.

“But you need to sort this out with Jooheon. You can’t be like this during schedules. What if you faint on stage next time? We can’t have it. I can’t have it. You need to talk to him and fix this, Changkyun.”

Changkyun nods.

“Now,” Kihyun adds.

“Now?”

“Why not now?” Kihyun asks, in a voice that makes Changkyun feel like a child being scolded. Changkyun doesn’t have a good answer to that so he just shrugs weakly.

Kihyun nods, and then physically marches Changkyun out of the kitchen. Everyone else is clustered outside the door, clearly listening. Possibly Changkyun should be embarrassed about this, but right now it doesn’t seem that important.

“I’ve been telling you to talk to Jooheon for days!” Minhyuk encourages, running along the corridor behind them. “I told you –”

“Minhyuk, shut up, you’re not helping,” Kihyun snaps.

They reach the door of Jooheon’s room and Kihyun bangs on it. There’s no answer. Possibly Jooheon heard the commotion of them all coming.

Kihyun bangs again and yells, “Lee Jooheon you’d better open this door!”

There’s silence for a few moments, during which Changkyun prays Jooheon had somehow slipped out of the flat without anyone noticing, then the door opens and Jooheon’s tousled head pokes out. He sees Changkyun and his face falls.

“What?” he asks.

“You two dumbasses are going to fix whatever this is right now,” Kihyun orders, pushing Changkyun through the door.

Behind Kihyun’s head, Minhyuk gives Changkyun two thumbs up that are probably supposed to be encouraging, and then Kihyun shuts the door.

There’s silence. It’s a horrible silence, one that feels totally alien between them.

“Kihyun hyung – wants us to talk,” Changkyun manages eventually, looking somewhere around Jooheon’s shoulders so he doesn’t have to meet his eyes.

“I got that,” Jooheon says faintly. He looks around the room, then gestures awkwardly to one of the beds. Changkyun sits, staring at his lap. Jooheon sits on his own bed.

There’s another long, painful silence.

“Kihyun said you were sick,” Changkyun says eventually. “After dance practise.”

“Didn’t drink enough water,” Jooheon says.

“Are you – are you okay?”

“Yeah.”

They fall quiet again. Changkyun has a painful flashback to the last time he felt this uncomfortable with Jooheon – in the practise room on their first mission together when they were still trainees. Actually, he thinks, this time might be worse.

“Look,” Jooheon says eventually, and Changkyun does look up at him. Jooheon looks terrible. His face is pale, and he has huge, dark circles under his eyes the colour of bruises.

“I guess I thought it wouldn’t change anything,” Jooheon says.

Changkyun nods. So did he, he supposes. He thought he could just carry on being Jooheon’s best friend and keeping his feelings secret, but also let Jooheon in even closer. _Stupid…_

“But there’s some things that just –” Jooheon breaks off, struggles for a word, can’t find it. Then he says: “And it’s hard to… to talk about.”

“Yeah,” Changkyun says, miserably. Jooheon still hasn’t looked at him properly, and Changkyun hates it. He wants to scream.

They’re quiet again for a while. Changkyun wonders if the others are still outside, listening. If they were hoping for shouting and drama, they’re probably very disappointed.

Jooheon looks like he’s going to say something else, but only sighs. Then he rubs his hands over his jeans and stands up. “Yeah,” he says vaguely, and heads towards the door.

And all of a sudden, Changkyun is really, really angry. “So what? That’s just it? We’re done talking now?”

Jooheon stops walking but doesn’t look back. He sighs. “I guess I’m not that great at talking.”

“That’s bullshit!” Changkyun yells. “You’ve always said you could talk to me about everything!” His voice cracks: “We became friends because you talked to me! It’s harder to talk to me now than when you didn’t even know me?”

Jooheon’s shoulders shake, but now Changkyun has started he can’t stop: “A week ago in the studio you said there was nobody you’d rather be doing this with than me. You said you wanted us to always be partners. And maybe that didn’t mean anything to you, but it did to me. All of it meant something to me!” He’s too far gone to care at this point. It looks like Jooheon is never going to speak to him again after this anyway so what does it matter? “That night in the studio. The past six months. It all meant something to me.” His voice cracks, painfully, and he has to stop.

Jooheon finally, finally turns around. He’s staring at Changkyun. The expression on his face is very strange and Changkyun has no idea what to make of it. He swallows and says, “It might not have meant anything to you, hyung, but I –”

“That’s what you think?” Jooheon says. His voice is strange too, a little strangled, but very soft. “That it didn’t mean anything to me?”

Changkyun looks up at him, and for the first time Jooheon meets his eyes.

“Changkyun,” he says, “Of course it meant something. It’s you. It meant everything.”

The words go through Changkyun like a strike of lightning. Dumbfounded, he stares at Jooheon. Jooheon is looking back at him the same way he did that night in the studio, as though they’re the last two people on earth. And Changkyun finally understands.

Unable to speak, he reaches out helplessly, and Jooheon comes to him.

“I wanted to tell you,” Jooheon says shakily, clasping Changkyun’s hands. “I thought I had to tell you or break it off because I was too – but I just couldn’t – I didn’t think you –”

Changkyun kisses him.

Jooheon makes a tiny noise, like a gasp, like a moan, and then his arms are round Changkyun’s waist, pulling him in tight, and then they’re kissing like it’s the only thing they know how to do, the only thing that makes any sense. Kissing dizzyingly, kissing endlessly. Kissing so deep it aches. A far off, hazy part of Changkyun’s brain remembers that very first night, how he thought it must be a dream. He might think the same thing now – but nothing has ever felt as real as this, as real as Changkyun and Jooheon and the kisses that Changkyun feels all the way down to his soul.

Somewhere in the distance, someone taps at the door, and Minhyuk’s voice filters through the haze: “Is everything okay?”

They blink at each other, and Changkyun almost laughs into Jooheon’s shoulder when he hears Kihyun – “Leave them alone, Minhyuk!” and Minhyuk snapping, “I’m worried about them!” and then Minhyuk calling through the door again, “Everything okay in there?”

It’s more than okay. It’s far too much to put into words. Changkyun could write for the rest of his life and not be able to describe it. He calls back shakily, “Yeah, we’re okay.”

There’s silence on the other side of the door, and then Kihyun calls out, “Great, we’ll _leave you alone then_ ,” hissing the last words pointedly. They can hear Minhyuk protesting: “I’m just trying to help! I’ve been involved in this a lot longer than you have!” and Kihyun again, “Well you clearly didn’t do much to help did you because –” and then the bickering voices fade out of earshot.

Changkyun does laugh this time, softly, and Jooheon laughs too.

Hands trembling slightly at Jooheon’s face, Changkyun kisses him again. Perhaps it should be embarrassing now, knowing the others are only in the other room, but Changkyun doesn’t care. All that matters is the two of them. They go on and on kissing until the dorm, the city outside, the rest of the world melts away, until nothing else exists but this.

Later, when they’re both lying in Jooheon’s bed, Changkyun’s nose pressed into Jooheon’s neck, Jooheon says softly, “Can we try again? For real?”

Changkyun tilts his head back to look at him. Jooheon is soft and sleepy-eyed, his hair a mess, his eyes on Changkyun’s face almost painfully tender. Changkyun’s chest aches with happiness, with love.

“Yeah,” he says, or promises. “For real this time.”

_Three months later_

“What’s your ideal type?” asks the MC.

It’s tempting, of course, to say Jooheon, but they have to be careful, so Changkyun gives his standard answer. “I don’t really care about looks,” he says. “I just look at someone’s personality.”

Jooheon catches his eye across the table. Changkyun knows he wants to make a joke about his own winning personality, how he swept Changkyun off his feet by being so charming. He wouldn’t be totally wrong.

“Jooheon?” asks the MC.

Jooheon says, “Someone I can write music with,” still looking directly at Changkyun, and Changkyun’s heart patters against his ribs like the beat of a song.

That evening, like a lot of evenings when they get back to the dorm late, ends in a debate about what to order for dinner.

Kihyun wants to get fried chicken, as usual. Minhyuk complains that they always get fried chicken and only Kihyun ever really wants it, and he wants pizza and they should take a vote.

Hyunwoo is already asleep on one of the couches and won’t wake up to tell anyone what he wants. Hyunwoo hyung will eat anything anyway so his vote doesn’t really matter. Hyungwon chooses pizza, and Minhyuk high-fives him. Kihyun glares and asks Changkyun what he wants, and honestly, Changkyun kind of fancies fried chicken, and says so.

“See,” Kihyun tells Minhyuk, “It’s not just me.”

Jooheon, with his arm round Changkyun on the couch, sighs and says, “I was really hoping you’d choose pizza.”

“You want pizza?” Changkyun asks, and Jooheon nods. He’s tired and warm and soft against Changkyun’s side. “Okay,” Changkyun says, “I choose pizza.”

“No!” Kihyun protests. “You already said you want chicken!”

Changkyun shrugs. “Hyung wants pizza,” he says, leaning against Jooheon.

Kihyun groans. Minhyuk ‘aww’s. Hoseok reaches over the top of the sofa and pretends to knock their heads together.

Hyungwon says, “You’re both idiots,” but he’s smiling.

Kihyun keeps protesting that Changkyun can’t change his vote. He tries to get Hoseok to say he wants fried chicken but Hoseok just wants ramen noodles. Hoseok always wants ramen noodles. Minhyuk is arguing with Kihyun, telling him he’s out-voted and needs to get over it, and Kihyun is arguing back, more for the sake of arguing than anything else.

“I guess I’m ordering pizza,” Hyungwon says, pulling out his phone.

Hyunwoo cracks one eye open and says, “Use my card.”

Changkyun leans against Jooheon, and Jooheon brushes his lips against Changkyun’s head. “Love you,” he whispers into Changkyun’s hair.

Changkyun snuggles closer into Jooheon’s shoulder. “Love you too,” he whispers back.

He’s exactly where he’s supposed to be.

Fin


End file.
